I Want You To Be My Favourite Toy

If you’re not a lesbian, chances are you’ve never used a strap-on dildo. Well, unless you’re like my friend, Rashida, who enjoys giving it to boys.

Anyway, this week my girlfriend and I finally had ours delivered. We named he/she ‘Ashley’, as we thought it would be suitable to give it a name that could apply to either gender. I mean, she sure LOOKS like a boy, but because we’re both gay, we don’t want to think about a real boy being inside either of us.

Therefore, our strap-on is transgendered.

But did we enjoy this new addition?

Well, as a gold star myself, I wasn’t sure whether I’d enjoy the new toy or not. My girlfriend didn’t think she’d enjoy the toy, as although she’s not a gold star, she did not enjoy the real thing, so why would she enjoy the smoother, faker version?

Anyway, loading Ashley up with plenty of lube, we went ahead and used the toy. I actually found it quite pleasant. I’m not sure I should use the word ‘pleasant’ when describing penetration, but that’s what I thought of it.

I didn’t love it, I didn’t hate it, but it did feel remotely pleasurable.

However, I could not achieve an orgasm when it was used on me and had to revert to some good old fashioned lesbian sex after a good solid 15 minutes. (8 minutes more than the average real erection, I’ll have you know.)

Again, I didn’t love it – probably why I’m not straight in the first place. And it also made me realize: I feel so sorry for straight women.

They obviously like the feel of the penis and the sight of a male body, but do any straight ladies actually achieve an orgasm with something that lasts around 7 minutes and basically feels like he’s poking you?

Poor, poor heteros.

Blow Jobs 101

Who remembers that Pussy Eating blog I wrote a while back?

Well recently, I got a request from a reading asking me to do the male version. I.e. Let’s talk BLOW JOBS.

Obviously I’m not the best person to ask when it comes to male genitalia, so I asked one of my gay male friends.

Here are his top tips, reworded by myself.

1) Tease like it’s no one’s business: Apparently, not going in head first (no pun intended) is a real turn on. I can understand this, as the build up to sex is probably what gets you excited most. Playing with the penis, licking it and refraining from putting it all in your mouth straight away is definitely one of the top tips.

2) Something I like to call ‘The Tiplick’: Nope, it’s not some new shitty rap song put together by one of those artists like Tinie Tempah or Dr. Dre, it’s quite literally what it says on the tin. Lick the tip of the penis as fast as you can to arouse the fuck out of your partner.

3) Quite obviously, get deep throating: Clearly you need to have no gag reflex for this one, as putting a whole penis in your mouth and hitting the back of the throat is apparently one thing that feels absolutely amazing. So do it.

4) Get in some handy work: Just the same as with pussy eating, using your hand at the same time is even better. While you have the penis in your mouth, slide one hand up and down to create a sensational feeling and a little variety in your blow job.

5) Be ballin’: Do I really have to explain this one? Play and lick with the balls. It’s that simple. Not all the time, ’cause that would defeat the object of the blow job, but occasionally is good. Or so I’m told.

Hope that’s okay for you! Enjoy!